Poetry

Poetry stimulates the mind. It is able to tickle, provoke and remind. Tickle one's fancy, Provoke emotional reactions and remind one of many things.

It has been some time since I last wrote a poem. I used to write frequently and mostly depressed ones, mainly because I was! Now I can't pull up any of those strong emotions to write about. Love is a strong feeling but when I'm happy i just can't write!! Talk about writer's block.

Today, however I feel like writing... As a result of a recent incident. No, it did not make me sad but reminded me of something I used to be.

Forgive me if this seems like crap to you - it's the only thing I can squeeze out of my already-squeezed brain.

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The Look

She shot me a look
Up, down, left, right.
Great interest in her eyes.

Weary yet alert it was,
Threatened yet confident
It reminded me of myself.

Approaching with a smile
Conversation we engaged,
Her eyes still reading me.

Compliments showered upon me
Playing my defense
Waiting for my hand.

I could not play with her
I understood her look
It reminded me of... me.

Her eyes fell in the distance,
Upon the moving figure
That look upon her face.

In no small way
She made it known clear
He belonged to her, not me.

I did not protest,
For there was no contest.
He was never my goal.

She shot me a second look
Relieved yet on guard.
Trying hard to just believe.

Tired she must be,
Waiting in the corner
Waiting to be recognized.

Like cotton in the wind,
she hangs on to the thread.
It reminded me of myself.

The beautiful Langkawi sky - a swirl of emotions, a swirl of colours 

themed entries

On the same note.. hahaha.... i dunno why I'm in a nostalgic mood! Maybe it's the return to playing badminton that I keep thinking of the past and the days leading up to now.

I've been playing badminton with a friend at River Valley and it's been really fun. I suddenly feel this sense that my life is certainly more balanced than it used to be just a few months ago. 4 months ago, I was moaning about my teaching life - why it was everything in my life and nothing else... And I wondered if this was really what life was about... Of course I had V and my family, but sometimes to make others happy you yourself must be happy. That said, I am really happy now that I can take the time firstly to try and build a future with V and that I can actually go back to the sport that has made me a lifetime of friends. Badminton always strikes a chord in my heart; for it is through badminton that i met the two of my exes. Also it has made me so many friends that I cannot imagine not having played the sport! The only thing it is not doing right for me is that it is making my thighs huge and my shoulders bulkier. Ah!!!

Well, back to current reality and I'm listening to songs that strike a note in my heart. This is one of them.

To H, I hope you are happy now. In fact, I know you are. This song's for ya.

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Whereever you will go (by The Calling)

So lately, been wondering,
Who will be there to take my placeWhen I'm gone,
you'll need loveT
o light the shadows on your face
If a great wave shall fall
It would fall upon us all
and between the sand and stone
Could you make it on your own

If I could, then I would
I'll go wherever you will go
Way up high, or down lowI'll go
wherever you will go
And maybe, I'll find out
The way to make it back someday
To watch you, to guide you
Through the darkest of your days
If a great wave shall fall
It would fall upon us all
Well then I hope there's someone out there
Who can bring me back to you

If I could, then I would
I'll go wherever you will go
Way up high, or down low
I'll go wherever you will go
Runaway with my heart
Runaway with my hope
Runaway with my love

I know now, just quite how
My life and love might still go on
In your heart, in your mind
I'll stay with you for all of time
If I could, then I would
I'll go wherever you will go
Way up high, or down low
I'll go wherever you will go
If I could turn back time
I'll go wherever you will go
If I could make you mine
I'll go wherever you will go
I'll go wherever you will go

on the topic of looking back

I literally went to look back into my Blog archives and guess what I found?

http://www.livejournal.com/users/wowo/2003/09/08/

I understand now what all that pain and suffering was for. There is justice after all!!

one week

One week holidays over already.. Gosh, really time flies. Once this next term is over, I would have finished 1.5 years of teaching and have only 3.5 years of the bond left to go. I guess I was really short sighted when I was younger, signing a bond without realizing what I was getting into... assuming that teachers, though they work hard, had lots of satisfaction on-the-job. I guess that's only partly right.

I should really start writing more. Have been having many thoughts lately - thoughts seemingly appearing from nowhere, yet somehow I must be thinking about it in my subconscious. Which is the part that frightens me. I mean, how can some undesirable thoughts enter my mind? I won't even want to list them down here... It is rather disturbing - i guess when people have such thoughts and act on them, things happen. You must be curious as to what I'm talking about... anyone experience the same situation? You suddenly think of a name, think of the past and wonder what so-and-so is doing now... Then suddenly you have this great urge to want to see or speak or *** that person... Problem is don't even know where that person is!!

Then another phenomenon strikes me.. sometimes I am walking and a great sense of deja vu hits me - Have I been here before? Have I seen this person somewhere? Then you get the shivers cos yo know you've actually not been here before. Where did that familiarity come from? Past lives (For those who believe in them) or simply a figment of imagination.. ?

Right, perhaps I just lack sleep... Then again.... I don't always get this feeling.

looking back and cleaning up

I resolved to clean my room and the house up today, after coming back from a missed appointment. It has been years since someone forgot an appointment with me and suddenly I was thrown back years ago.... when someone stood me up. Gosh, it certainly was years ago. Anyway, I came back and started clearing up the house and decided, maybe it's time to look at the ex's stuff and throw them out the house.

So then I walked to this box that held all his things and opened them up one by one and discovered letters that I had written to him a few days after we had broken up and all those blasted memories came flooding back to me. Surprising even myself, I started tearing, thinking of the things we used to do together. They were really special and unforgettable.

Have i betrayed my hubby by looking back down the years? Thinking about 2001 and the torture of having-yet-not-having-someone, while he's at work? The answer is 'No'. Definitely not. I really do cherish the love and life I lead now. Simple, happy and passionate all at once. It's the balance that I had always hoped to find, but found extremes along the way, which even more confirmed my need for a balanced individual who could still shower me with love.

Now comes the question - am i ready to throw those old memorabilia away and never feel those emotions again? The torrent of emotions which contrasts very sharply with the sense of happiness I have now? I think it wise to do so but the emotional me is thinking twice. Should I hide them in a little corner of my house, then dig it up when I just want to remember certain parts of my life? For believe me, without that experience, I certainly will not be married early. At least I think so.

Many a friend have asked me: Why did you choose to get married so early? Surely you could have waited? Sure, of course I could have. However, my answer to them was "I found the right man". What's there to wait any longer? It needed a severe knock on the head (i.e. ex relationship) to make me realize that passion alone cannot maintain a relationship; only a balance of passion and sensibility can do so.

Back to throwing away the stuff. Gosh, what should I do?

great friends

It's hard to find a friend whom you can talk to - many people are friends simply because they happen to be working in the same office, studying in the same school or simply living next door. Take away these coincidences and would we still be friends? I think not... That's what i feel after coming back from overseas... a bond was created over 3 years perhaps partly because we were sharing similar experiences and also because, well, we had to be friends or suffer our way through! That thought might be a little negative, but that's how i feel, aniway.

As for finding a friend, I'm happy to say that i've made a new friend.. someone whom i can share many things. It's funny how such things happen - and i'm a strong believer of "all things happen for a reason"(not that I'm religious) - and we don't even know how.. Over a few days we have become good friends and sharing stuff that perhaps I normally wouldn't except with a few close friends and of course my hubby.

I was telling V that i feel different being married to him - there's no more confusion with other guys. I can just be friends with them knowing that there'll be no complication whatsoever because the line is absolutely clear. Not that if we weren't married i wouldn't draw the line, but somehow the ring on my finger is enough to let them know friends are all they can expect to be with me and nothing more. And this provides an avenue for friendship, else it's hard to tell when a guy is interested in you because he wants to go after you or whether he is truly a sincere person looking for like-minded individuals.

Right, all this happened because i was pursuing a more honourable objective - trying to matchmake one of my friends and needing an informant. This informant turned out to be someone I can talk to... unfortunately he's not suitable for my friend else i could really start a business!! :P

Ok i'm off for tea- being a piggy today is my mission.