More about X

No, i'm not talking about X-tasy... but Mr X. I started by talking about how we had drifted apart and how sad it is when love gets in the way of friendship, especially when it's not mutual. Then again, it's hard to stay friends with someone whom you've had feelings for but not reciprocated.

So anyway, here's another story about what he did for me.

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It was New year's eve. We were all at X's place for potluck as usual. About 20 of us gathered at his big house (rented, of course) to celebrate new year's eve. It was a fun evening, but i spent the whole evening whom I was going to do the countdown with. Yes, at that time, I was preoccupied with such stuff, nitty gritty though it may be. I wanted to spend it with K, whom I was really very much into, but then X and everyone else in the house was going someplace else.

At about 10pm, everyone was getting ready to go. By then, I had already made plans to meet K at Big Ben. X and company decided, however, to go to Trafalgar Sq. Not that it was really that far away, but about 10 mins walk. Far enough. Anyhow, X came to ask me whether i was going to meet K. He knew that i liked K and had already been liking him for awhile. You would think he'd try to persuade me to go with him, right? since i was already at his house... but no, he said that if i were to go and meet K, he would walk me there. Such a gentleman, no? I must've been stupid to turn him down! But, love of a man can twist your brain and cloud your mind.

So we left the house around 1045pm and headed in the general direction. Taking a bus and a tube and finally out at Trafalgar Sq station. Because of the crowd getting there, we arrived very close to midnight. X walked me to meet K, despite my protests. In fact, I even remember telling him, "Don't do this to yourself? Why make yourself miserable?" Obviously, you would feel terrible right? Here, this guy was willing to walk me to meet his 'competitor'! His reason? There were many drunk people who might disturb me or do something to me along the way and it wasn't safe. 3 minutes to midnight we reached Big Ben. He gave me a hug and ran off in the opposite direction. I looked at him and wondered whether I should have even allowed him to send me to K. Seriously, i felt awful. I knew that he would not be able to make it back to the group in time.. Maybe cos of the number of phone calls, he would not even be able to meet up with them. He'd have to spend New year countdown running in midst of strangers! My heart ached. When I saw K, of course, i was happy... but guess what he said when he first saw X? In typical dominant male fashion, he said, 'Why was he hugging you?' What a contrast in behaviour. K was a total b***ard. I should've known earlier eh? But... as the saying goes, "Nan ren bu huai, nu ren bu ai". Translated, it simply means 'if men ain't bad, women wouldn't love them'. I vote to throw this saying out the window!!

Anyhow, my reflections on this episode were plenty. On the one hand, X touched my heart, just like during the Valentines' Day date. On the other hand, I was already in love with K. It was such a difficult decision to make. All i wanted was for someone to make the decision for me. Of course, in the end i chose K, and it ended badly, but i've never regretted that love we shared. It was special, no matter what.

Can we live without our friends?

I had lunch with a friend last week. This friend used to be after me and we used to be able to have such wonderful conversations, into the night and to be able to share a common bond. Yet at lunch last week, things were not the same. Uncomfortable, distant and somewhat... too cordial. The closeness we shared will never come back again. Sometimes, I wonder if it is all because love got in the way of things? Things are never the same once friends cross the line into love, yet it's always worth a shot.

This bond all started over a drink at Hyatt's Mezzanine bar. We happened to go for a drink after bumping into each other on the bus and somehow or rather ended up on the topic of LOVE. Yes, that big word, that makes the world go round.. At least for me. As we chatted, I realised that X and I shared the same outlook on love.. that is, love is everything and to truly give yourself to someone and love that person wholeheartedly is a feeling that is undoubtedly the best feeling in the whole world. At that moment, it clicked. We were one.

Of course, I had no romantic feelings for X and neither did he, at least i think not, at the time. We maintained our closeness and he supported me through many difficult times, and I thought the conversation would never die. In the course of our friendship, we became close and it was only some time later that i realised he had started to love me. I was, however, tragically so, in love with someone else (who would later turn out to break my heart).

However, X did not give up. He was a true gentleman and never pressurized me. In fact, he was just so nice and wonderful to me, that I truly understood what it meant when you love totally without condition. Even upon finding out that I liked another, he asked me to 'follow my heart' even if it meant 'stepping himself in the foot'. Where can one find a man like that? I suppose, at the time, though touched, I never found it in myself to love him. At least, not romantically. I always had a soft spot for him, but it was not romantic.

X brought me out to dinner one night and when he arrived, there he was, in a suit, holding a rose in his hand. It was a day before Valentines Day. He said it was extremely embarrassing to be holding a rose all the way in the tube. I was , to say the least, getting softer inside. Then of course, in true chivalry, he took me somewhere cosy for dinner and 'money was no object'. We were both students then. Dinner was over conversation and of course, I tried to make clear that though I had agreed dinner with him, it was no obligation to start going out with him.

After dinner, he took me to a park. It seems cheesy but my heart was racing. What was going to happen? Would it all take a dramatic turn and we'd be wrapped in each others' arms? Was he going to profess his love for me and take me home? In the end, he brought me a to a tree and asked me if i was ready to climb. He pulled out a bottle of champagne and two glasses and up the tree we went. Drinking champagne on a tree, in the middle of Winter, in a middle of a park! How much more could I take? I wanted to jump into his arms and let him take me. Yet i held my cool and once again, told him that i needed time. Again, he asked me not to think about it, and just enjoy the view from up the tree. By the way, the champagne was fantastic. I don't know if it was the environment or what, but i still have that glass till today. Call me a sucker for nostalgia.

He sent me home, of course, that night. One would expect, in western terms, that we'd end up in bed or something, but no... it was all very innocent, just a peck on the cheek and a goodnight hug. It was all very overwhelming for me...

Sometimes I do wonder what would have happened if i ended up with X. Would i marry him today? Would it have been an extremely passionate relationship, given that we were both hopeless romantics and believed nothing but that LOVE could do anything? I don't know, and it doesn't matter.