on the topic of love..

It is almost 2 years to the day i registered my marriage. Time certainly has flown by so quickly. It almost feels like yesterday.....

Thinking about it, it was (if there is such a thing called fate) FATE, that led V and I together. When we were in Uni, we were friends..having joined the Uni at the same time, in the same year. However, as he entered directly into year 2, we hung out with different groups of people and were in different courses. Besides, we were both seeing other people at the time, so there wasn't really any opportunity to be together.

The gf he was with during Uni, I thought, would be the one he would marry. They seemed so compatible and always had a lot of fun together. Also, they studied the same course and probably could understand each other better. Hence it was total surprise when he told me that they had broken up. Not that i was harbouring any thoughts, having myself been through a devastating heartbreak. It was just good timing.

He broke up with her in Apr, and I broke up with mine in Jun. Then I came back to Sg end of Jun and he returned to Sg in September, a day after my birthday. Somehow, because he was part of my ex's group of friends, I found solace in talking to him and sharing my heartbreak with him. V was always a good listener.

Then somehow, from listening to my sobbing and my words of disbelief and anger, we became closer. I was afraid that the feelings I shared with him were rebound feelings. And because he was such a nice guy, i felt it irresponsible to continue hanging out with him if what i felt for him centred on "rebound". He knew my concerns and assured me that i could take my time to slowly work through my fears and insecurities. Believe me, it was a great challenge to try and determine if my feelings were real or just transference.

He encouraged me to be positive, because after all, my ex was the one who had done me a disservice and it was his loss. His words of encouragement helped me back on my feet (of course, i cannot discount the support of my friends - all of them, esp CM, who tried to talk some sense into me) and allowed me to enjoy myself e.g. going to watch plays, going to the beach (that was what flawed me - i love the beach and somehow i think he knew...), having quiet drinks and going for long walks. The quality time he was willing to spend with me certainly gave me confidence that this was the man I've been looking for... and all along, he was right in front of me. That's why i call it fate....

Of course it doesn't mean that it was always so peachy. There were times when i collapsed from fear that he will somehow leave me, the insecurity that he will love me but turn out to be someone i didn' tknow was still apparent. Even a year after the breakup, there were still some things I could not resolve. Instead of getting upset with me, V just asked me to take my time. I knew it hurt to talk about my ex to him, and others were telling me to cherish V and stop thinking about that b**tard. I knew what was the right thing to do, but my heart was weak. I still could not understand how he could cheat on me after all i had given to him.

Anyhow, i guess time does heal. I finally allowed myself to love V totally and give him all that i could. And without that, i guess i would not be married today. I might be living the single life, meeting friends, partying and just doing things for the moment, when i want to....... It all sounds wonderfully free, but having the man who loves you be so devoted to you... I think that beats the freedom anytime.