on the topic of love..

It is almost 2 years to the day i registered my marriage. Time certainly has flown by so quickly. It almost feels like yesterday.....

Thinking about it, it was (if there is such a thing called fate) FATE, that led V and I together. When we were in Uni, we were friends..having joined the Uni at the same time, in the same year. However, as he entered directly into year 2, we hung out with different groups of people and were in different courses. Besides, we were both seeing other people at the time, so there wasn't really any opportunity to be together.

The gf he was with during Uni, I thought, would be the one he would marry. They seemed so compatible and always had a lot of fun together. Also, they studied the same course and probably could understand each other better. Hence it was total surprise when he told me that they had broken up. Not that i was harbouring any thoughts, having myself been through a devastating heartbreak. It was just good timing.

He broke up with her in Apr, and I broke up with mine in Jun. Then I came back to Sg end of Jun and he returned to Sg in September, a day after my birthday. Somehow, because he was part of my ex's group of friends, I found solace in talking to him and sharing my heartbreak with him. V was always a good listener.

Then somehow, from listening to my sobbing and my words of disbelief and anger, we became closer. I was afraid that the feelings I shared with him were rebound feelings. And because he was such a nice guy, i felt it irresponsible to continue hanging out with him if what i felt for him centred on "rebound". He knew my concerns and assured me that i could take my time to slowly work through my fears and insecurities. Believe me, it was a great challenge to try and determine if my feelings were real or just transference.

He encouraged me to be positive, because after all, my ex was the one who had done me a disservice and it was his loss. His words of encouragement helped me back on my feet (of course, i cannot discount the support of my friends - all of them, esp CM, who tried to talk some sense into me) and allowed me to enjoy myself e.g. going to watch plays, going to the beach (that was what flawed me - i love the beach and somehow i think he knew...), having quiet drinks and going for long walks. The quality time he was willing to spend with me certainly gave me confidence that this was the man I've been looking for... and all along, he was right in front of me. That's why i call it fate....

Of course it doesn't mean that it was always so peachy. There were times when i collapsed from fear that he will somehow leave me, the insecurity that he will love me but turn out to be someone i didn' tknow was still apparent. Even a year after the breakup, there were still some things I could not resolve. Instead of getting upset with me, V just asked me to take my time. I knew it hurt to talk about my ex to him, and others were telling me to cherish V and stop thinking about that b**tard. I knew what was the right thing to do, but my heart was weak. I still could not understand how he could cheat on me after all i had given to him.

Anyhow, i guess time does heal. I finally allowed myself to love V totally and give him all that i could. And without that, i guess i would not be married today. I might be living the single life, meeting friends, partying and just doing things for the moment, when i want to....... It all sounds wonderfully free, but having the man who loves you be so devoted to you... I think that beats the freedom anytime.

Since i am in the mood...

Yes, mood's the word today so i'm filling this up.... sent to me by J long time ago... here goes...

____________________________________________

Three things that scare me:
1. Growing old and being ill
2. Losing love
3. Losing close friends

Three people who make me laugh:
1. Hubby
2. TS
3. Char

Three things** (hubby would not constitute a thing) I love :
1. Rabbits
2. Spicy food
3. Kisses

Three things I hate:
1. Injustice
2. rules
3. Pot calling kettle black

Three things I don't understand:
1. How some people can harm others intentionally
2. Sciencey stuff (yet i am about to embark on a MSc...)
3. Why must women have periods!?

Three things on my (work)desk:
1. Water bottle
2. Chinese dumpling (given to me today)
3. Pencil box

Three things I'm doing right now:
1. Blogging
2. Waiting for the clock to strike 6
3. Thinking about my rabbits at home

Three things I want to do before I die:
1. Travel the world
2. Swim with dolphins
3. Eat the world's best cuisine

Three things I can do:
1. Play badminton
2. Cook
3. Relate well to others

Three things you should listen to:
1. Good music (with singer)on a Fri night
2. Advice from mother
3. What your hubby is not saying

Three things you should never listen to:
1. Trashy music with lots of swear words
2. Annoying people (yes they are things)
3. Walkman that is too loud

Three things I'd like to learn:
1. How to travel the world when you are broke
2. Positive Psychology
3. How men really think

Three favourite foods:
1. Roast Pork
2. Sambal fish (cooked by mom)
3. Tom Yam Kung (prawn mood now)

Three beverages I drink regularly:
1. Water
2. Chrysanthemum tea
3. Milk tea

Three TV shows / books I watched / read as a kid:
1. Smurfs
2. Tom & Jerry
3. Heathcliff

5 Languages of Love

Did you know that there are 5 languages of love?

Was having lunch with my colleagues today and she was talking about her wonderfully romantic husband, and my other colleague S and I were just staring at her in disbelief. "Why don't I have a husband like yours?" S moaned. Somehow, i also felt like whining. Of course, i wouldn't give mine up for the world, because he is very yummy.

Anyway, yes, she mentioned that there is this thing called 5 Languages of Love. Basically, it seems that people respond to different things that are done for them and there are 5 categories/languages - Gifts, Quality Time, Words of Affection, Acts of Service and Physical Touch (not just sex, of course). There is a quiz you can do online to find out what is your language. The website is http://www.fivelovelanguages.com/

After doing the test, i found out that my language is Quality Time, meaning that the best way my hubby can show that he loves me is to spend quality time. I think his is Acts of Service (i.e. action speaks louder than words). So the theory goes that once you know his or her language, then to show your love and make him/her happy, then do things in his language, so that they will love you so much and never want to leave you.

Note: Not all men go for physical touch! :P

Anyhow, i know i've not posted for a long time. I guess i just didn't have the mood. I dunno about other people, but I definitely need a mood to write. Actually, come to think of it, i need a mood to do most things...

More about X

No, i'm not talking about X-tasy... but Mr X. I started by talking about how we had drifted apart and how sad it is when love gets in the way of friendship, especially when it's not mutual. Then again, it's hard to stay friends with someone whom you've had feelings for but not reciprocated.

So anyway, here's another story about what he did for me.

________________

It was New year's eve. We were all at X's place for potluck as usual. About 20 of us gathered at his big house (rented, of course) to celebrate new year's eve. It was a fun evening, but i spent the whole evening whom I was going to do the countdown with. Yes, at that time, I was preoccupied with such stuff, nitty gritty though it may be. I wanted to spend it with K, whom I was really very much into, but then X and everyone else in the house was going someplace else.

At about 10pm, everyone was getting ready to go. By then, I had already made plans to meet K at Big Ben. X and company decided, however, to go to Trafalgar Sq. Not that it was really that far away, but about 10 mins walk. Far enough. Anyhow, X came to ask me whether i was going to meet K. He knew that i liked K and had already been liking him for awhile. You would think he'd try to persuade me to go with him, right? since i was already at his house... but no, he said that if i were to go and meet K, he would walk me there. Such a gentleman, no? I must've been stupid to turn him down! But, love of a man can twist your brain and cloud your mind.

So we left the house around 1045pm and headed in the general direction. Taking a bus and a tube and finally out at Trafalgar Sq station. Because of the crowd getting there, we arrived very close to midnight. X walked me to meet K, despite my protests. In fact, I even remember telling him, "Don't do this to yourself? Why make yourself miserable?" Obviously, you would feel terrible right? Here, this guy was willing to walk me to meet his 'competitor'! His reason? There were many drunk people who might disturb me or do something to me along the way and it wasn't safe. 3 minutes to midnight we reached Big Ben. He gave me a hug and ran off in the opposite direction. I looked at him and wondered whether I should have even allowed him to send me to K. Seriously, i felt awful. I knew that he would not be able to make it back to the group in time.. Maybe cos of the number of phone calls, he would not even be able to meet up with them. He'd have to spend New year countdown running in midst of strangers! My heart ached. When I saw K, of course, i was happy... but guess what he said when he first saw X? In typical dominant male fashion, he said, 'Why was he hugging you?' What a contrast in behaviour. K was a total b***ard. I should've known earlier eh? But... as the saying goes, "Nan ren bu huai, nu ren bu ai". Translated, it simply means 'if men ain't bad, women wouldn't love them'. I vote to throw this saying out the window!!

Anyhow, my reflections on this episode were plenty. On the one hand, X touched my heart, just like during the Valentines' Day date. On the other hand, I was already in love with K. It was such a difficult decision to make. All i wanted was for someone to make the decision for me. Of course, in the end i chose K, and it ended badly, but i've never regretted that love we shared. It was special, no matter what.

Can we live without our friends?

I had lunch with a friend last week. This friend used to be after me and we used to be able to have such wonderful conversations, into the night and to be able to share a common bond. Yet at lunch last week, things were not the same. Uncomfortable, distant and somewhat... too cordial. The closeness we shared will never come back again. Sometimes, I wonder if it is all because love got in the way of things? Things are never the same once friends cross the line into love, yet it's always worth a shot.

This bond all started over a drink at Hyatt's Mezzanine bar. We happened to go for a drink after bumping into each other on the bus and somehow or rather ended up on the topic of LOVE. Yes, that big word, that makes the world go round.. At least for me. As we chatted, I realised that X and I shared the same outlook on love.. that is, love is everything and to truly give yourself to someone and love that person wholeheartedly is a feeling that is undoubtedly the best feeling in the whole world. At that moment, it clicked. We were one.

Of course, I had no romantic feelings for X and neither did he, at least i think not, at the time. We maintained our closeness and he supported me through many difficult times, and I thought the conversation would never die. In the course of our friendship, we became close and it was only some time later that i realised he had started to love me. I was, however, tragically so, in love with someone else (who would later turn out to break my heart).

However, X did not give up. He was a true gentleman and never pressurized me. In fact, he was just so nice and wonderful to me, that I truly understood what it meant when you love totally without condition. Even upon finding out that I liked another, he asked me to 'follow my heart' even if it meant 'stepping himself in the foot'. Where can one find a man like that? I suppose, at the time, though touched, I never found it in myself to love him. At least, not romantically. I always had a soft spot for him, but it was not romantic.

X brought me out to dinner one night and when he arrived, there he was, in a suit, holding a rose in his hand. It was a day before Valentines Day. He said it was extremely embarrassing to be holding a rose all the way in the tube. I was , to say the least, getting softer inside. Then of course, in true chivalry, he took me somewhere cosy for dinner and 'money was no object'. We were both students then. Dinner was over conversation and of course, I tried to make clear that though I had agreed dinner with him, it was no obligation to start going out with him.

After dinner, he took me to a park. It seems cheesy but my heart was racing. What was going to happen? Would it all take a dramatic turn and we'd be wrapped in each others' arms? Was he going to profess his love for me and take me home? In the end, he brought me a to a tree and asked me if i was ready to climb. He pulled out a bottle of champagne and two glasses and up the tree we went. Drinking champagne on a tree, in the middle of Winter, in a middle of a park! How much more could I take? I wanted to jump into his arms and let him take me. Yet i held my cool and once again, told him that i needed time. Again, he asked me not to think about it, and just enjoy the view from up the tree. By the way, the champagne was fantastic. I don't know if it was the environment or what, but i still have that glass till today. Call me a sucker for nostalgia.

He sent me home, of course, that night. One would expect, in western terms, that we'd end up in bed or something, but no... it was all very innocent, just a peck on the cheek and a goodnight hug. It was all very overwhelming for me...

Sometimes I do wonder what would have happened if i ended up with X. Would i marry him today? Would it have been an extremely passionate relationship, given that we were both hopeless romantics and believed nothing but that LOVE could do anything? I don't know, and it doesn't matter.

Bringing bee home part 2

And back to the story.

*********
Bee became a pet to class 3G, who loved him very much. He was let out during lesson time, as was used to tame the students. When they were naughty, their teacher would say, "You must behave because otherwise, the rabbit would be scared." And in their naivete, they would believe her. Every weekend, he would go home to my colleague or another colleague. So went on his life for a few weeks. When the March holidays came, it seemed no one was able to take in the rabbit. Knowing that I loved rabbits, my colleague approached me to ask if i could take him for the March holidays. Of course, i couldn't wait! I was hoping they'd ask me in the first place! So, cage in hand, and without asking the permission of Mum, i brought him back for the March hols.

He was so sweet and refused to come out the cage. Well behaved, so we thought. Mum was besotted! She would talk to him and feed him vegetables, almost like the old Bee. When he was more confortable, he would come out of the cage, but didn't venture far. How were we to know he had hare instincts?? When the time came for him to go back to school, Mum was heartbroken. It was just a matter of time before she asked if we could keep him. I had to think of a plan.

I approached my colleague and told her that bringing the rabbit to and fro and exposing him to naughty kids was bad for his health. It was no way for a rabbit to live. And since I was willing to become his owner, could i take him? After little consideration, she nodded his head. He was officially ours! I was so excited to take him home and love him, and Mum was delighted. He would soon show his true colours, by coming out the cage and jumping all around - on the sofa, the bed and dashing all over the house. His dashing, we've come to know now, is called binkying. And rabbits only binky when they're happy. We were happy that he was happy. Come to think of it, we called him 'siao', but perhaps his 'siao'ness was a reflection of how satisfied he was living with us. :)

So that was how Bee came to live in the Yeo household. He brought so much joy to our lives. Before he was sterilised, he really behaved like a hare. When he was let out, he would jump on the sofa and go crazy! Attacking the pillows, tunnelling in and out of the several pillows that lay on the sofa were normal. He was particularly fond of mum and would always want to pounce on her. The look he had in his eye was pure determination. Once, she held out a cushion to prevent him from jumping onto her and guess what he did? He used his strong hind legs and leapt over the pillow and eventually still landed up on her lap! Boy, was she stunned beyond words. All she could do after that was pat him and shower him with even more attention. He certainly knew who had the softest spot for him, and used it to his advantage. But he was a mean fellow, and has left me two permanent scars on my arm. His way of reminding me never to forget him, I suppose. How can i?

*************

So, the legacy of yet another Bee lives on in my blog. In part 3, i'll blog about some of the things i remember most about the Bee and post up some pics and a video, if possible.

Bringing Bee home Part 1

The title has two meanings. One, the story of how Bee came into our lives in the first place and two, where he rests now.

Let's talk about number two first. We brought him home in a porcelain jar last week, a week after his death and could think of no other place to put him, than in the room where he spent his last days. He is now sitting on a shelf in the room, where Sara still is. We've decided to keep Sara and to love her as much as we can, instead of giving her away. That kind of decision is not easy to make even as the pain of Bee's death weighs upon us... But Sara is not a toy, she cannot simply be given away just because we are devastated about Bee. When i walk to the room, it just doesn't seem the same. I still call his name, but see no hyper bunny come hopping towards me, an earnest look in his eye. Getting over his death is going to be difficult, even though we kept him for only 3 years.

*************

Rewind 3 years to 2004. I was still a student in NIE, on practicum at Kuo Chuan Presbyterian Primary School. Practicum was a stressful time because we had to be evaluated on our delivery of lessons and even the lesson plans that we crafted. Though we had reduced number of periods, it was still challenging as we had to eat humble pie and acknowledge our strengths and weaknesses. One day, after coming down from class, I noticed a box near my colleague's table. When i looked into it, there sat a small brown rabbit! Rabbits, in case you guys don't know, are my passion. Seeing them just makes my day! This rabbit was small, had his paws spread open. This open splay would be one of the things we remember about Bee. We would call him 'samseng' because it was as if he sat with his legs wide spread. Anyway, he seemed lonely and i started patting him. I soon found out that his owner had left the country and put him with a pet shop. My colleague happened to pass by and thought of adopting him as a school rabbit. So began Bee's journey in KCPPS.

*************

The rest of his journey will be continued later. As you can read, he eventually ended up in our house. How he did that, well you will read in parts 2 or 3. Meantime, let's hope Bee is happy on the Rainbow Bridge. They say that the rainbow bridge houses all the rabbits who have left this world and up there, they are happily playing with an abundance of carrots and grass. I imagine him up there, and it brings me comfort.

Goodbye Bee

My beloved rabbit Bee passed away today at around 4.45pm. He was in my hands, and as he wheezed to take his last breath, I could not believe what was happening. Everything happened to fast. The diagnosis? Gastrointestinal Stasis - almost always fatal in rabbits and their condition can deteriorate in 12 hours. In Bee's case, he only had 5 hours.

Come to think of it, it was pure luck that we spotted him feeling unwell. We (V and I) went over to Mum's place at 12 noon to talk about some things. We were supposed to go over at 2pm, but there were some last minute changes so we ended up there at noon. When i walked over to say hi to the rabbits (as per normal), I noticed that Bee was flattened out in the cage, almost the whole length of it. That was abnormal, as he usually did not spend time in the cage, except to poo or to wait for food, and never lying down the way he did. As I examined him, I realised his bottom was wet and that he did not seem to want to move.

We then tried to feed him his favourite pellets... to which he would normally try so hard to get by jumping up and down and running in circles with Sara, our other rabbit, to prevent her from getting the food. Today, however, when we put the bowl in front of him, he scarcely moved. It was a clear sign that something was seriously wrong.

We called many vets and finally got an appointment with Namly Place Animal Clinic. The earliest they could make was 2.30pm. Thinking that was a long time to wait, we proceeded to Joyous Vet in Choa Chu Kang, to see if the walk in queue was shorter. Of course, we were dismayed when it took us 10 mins to even get to the registration counter. In the end, we went back to Namly in Bukit Timah. By this time, Bee was quite weak and his ears were cold. We covered him with a blanket, but he was visibly uncomfortable and kept fidgeting in the box.

When we saw the doctor, she said that he was in bad shape and the next 24 hours would be crucial. He most probably had gastrointestinal stasis, a condition in which the rabbit's gut just stops moving. She put a stethoscope to his gut and there was no sound at all. Following her diagnosis, she gave him a painkiller jab, followed by a vitamin jab to boost him. We thought that he would slowly pick up after that...

Sadly, by the time we had reached home, Bee was even weaker and when i took him out the box, he limped to the cage and slumped there, occasionally squirming about. The doc said we should let him rest, but at the same time be by his side... which we did. However, at 4.40pm he whimpered and stumbled out of the cage, collapsing on his side. Then he wheezed and gasped.... and i could feel his heart slowly stop beating. It was devastating, and seriously, I felt so helpless thinking of what I could do to help him. We massaged his gut and his heart, thinking of jolting him back to life.... Of course, to no avail. We just had to accept that he had just left us.

The suddenness of the whole thing is harder to accept than the fact that he is no longer around. We brought him to Mount Pleasant Animal Hospital where he will be cremated and his ashes put in an urn. Yes, he meant that much to us, and will always be fondly remembered. I wish he was still around, hopping happily when I walk near him and running away with a carrot to prevent Sara from getting her share. He was one crazy rabbit - we fondly call him 'harebit' because he looked and behaved more like a crazy hare.

Somehow, this loss is no easier than the last, because it is permanent. I know i won't be seeing him when i go to mum's place, and the only memories I have are the pictures in my computer and the very precious videos I have of him. Thank goodness for the digital age... I at least have some videos of him running and dashing about. Sigh, life certainly is fragile.

When i am up to it, I will write about how we came to acquire Bee in the first place. He certainly brought alot of joy and was a great companion to my mum. I guess, she will be more affected by his passing than I am, as she spends more of her time with him, feeding him and patting him. Now that he is up there somewhere, I'm sure he will look down and be happy that he had such a loving 'mummy'.

Bye bye Bee, I love you and miss you already.